My Spy (2020) Spoiler-Filled Review/Rant: Abort Mission Immediately!!!

So, I wasn't planning to review this film, considering how I was never interested in watching this to begin with. However, as I spend the day with family and hope to escape the current situation plaguing the world, this movie was the only one playing in a convenient time for us and I prepared to face my maker. After all, this film was supposed to come out last summer and got delayed to this year. Heck, the U.S doesn't even get to watch the film until April 17th, which remains debatable given the epidemic. But, lucky for me, this film is released a month early for the UK and Canada, and I wish it wasn't.

Positives:

• The actors. Not the characters, mind you, but the men and women acting and trying to get something of value out of the screenplay. Dave Bautista, Chloe Coleman, Kristen Schaal, and Parisa Fitz-Henley all do great jobs for their otherwise generic characters. They manage to bring out some life and likeable energy at least.
• I will admit, there were a few moments where I did chuckle whether intentional or not. I will get into the humour in the negatives, but there are a few laughs.
• Peter Segal's directing. It's not perfect, but the scenes filmed in the apartment complex were actually well made, shot, and paced for the most part.

Negatives:

• Let's discuss the biggest issue with the film: The screenplay. It is just awful. So awful that I have to split it into multiple paragraphs in order to explain the elements that the film does so poorly. Let's start off with the story. It's generic and uninteresting. A screw-up CIA agent has to be in charge of a serious investigation, but gets outsmarted by a smart-alec girl and eventually forms a bond with her and her mother. The story has quite a few problems. For one, there is one big plot hole from the beginning in the film, which is the girl, Sophie, recording JJ and his investigation, which she uses to blackmail him to go with her to events and to hang out with her and her mother, the obvious love interest. The issue is that JJ, at any time, could have broke the phone as she holds it out with no one around to intervine, which would be in his character to do so. Second, the spy plot itself is so far into the background that you forget why the investigation even started and how cutting back to the villain does nothing to progress the story at all. Third, the characters are just too generic to keep the story engaging and they make dumbfounding decisions that raise red flags to those around him. Compared to "Spy", the story and characters are just so underwritten. Before you say that this is clearly made for kids, hence the lazy writing, that is very debatable.
• The tone is pretty inconsistent when it comes to light-hearted family fun and uncomfortable dark comedy. Like, the first time JJ and Sophie hang out in the skating rank feels uncomfortable, and it's demonstrated as her mother sees them come home together and kicks him in the nuts while trying to call the police. So, the pedophile vibes are pretty strong in the film. There's also the fact that the mother just accepts that JJ is her new friend without much argument. The mean-spirited jokes are "Family Guy" level humour, there's a surprising amount of profanity, and they act like death is a joke with Sophie making a one liner as she just sees a guy falling to his death for the first time in her life. 
• Speaking of jokes, the humour relies on pop culture and cringe moments. To be fair, few of the cringe moments work, but they are up to you if they are intentional or not. The pop culture humour is just painfully bad though, much like "Sonic the Hedgehog's". Another problem with the humour is how the editing makes the scene much more awkward or unfunny. They cut too early to make the joke, funny or unfunny, fully pay off.
• The score by Dominic Lewis. It's not horrible, but the only thing that I remember from it are the sad, dramatic cues in scenes that are just poorly done to convey any drama. Like, why should I feel sad for JJ in his unrealistic luxury apartment for screwing up on his job? Why should I feel sad for Sophie not fitting in with the other girls that she never gets payback for? Why should I get invested in the scene where JJ reveals the truth of his career to the mother and Sophie is crying about? Well, the generic music is telling me to feel bad, so I guess I should feel bad then.
• Even though I said Segal's directing is pretty good in the apartment locations, the same can't be said for the exteriors or other locations outside of the apartment complex and the CIA headquarters. The direction feels like a cheap TV show that you'd see on the CW. Actually, it makes CW shows look like they were filmed by Christopher Nolan. Using the city of Toronto as a replacement of Chicago is so noticeable that it might as well be set in Canada. At least "Shazam!" had some shots and set-pieces that made the characters look like they were located in Philly. Chicago in this film looks just like any other city. Heck, there's no mention of horrible winds or bad winters to emphasize that they are set in Chicago rather than some generic big city.
• Lastly, there's the action scenes or the lack thereof. Despite being a spy comedy, there's only two scenes of action in the entire film. One in the beginning and the other for the climax. The action is so uninspired and boring that it just copies moments from "True Lies" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark" with the gun falling down the staircase and the plane set-piece. The fake, CGI cliffside located in the airfield is just so poorly implemented in the film that even Kristen Schaal's character comments on it. I understand that comedy was the primary focus for this film, but it doesn't excuse for unimaginative, boring action. "Spy" was also focused on comedy more than the spy action, but the multiple action scenes used throughout were not only fun to watch, but also humorous, which is strangely lacking in this film for no reason at all.

Surprise, surprise, "My Spy" was a bad movie after all. Outside of the actors doing the best they can and a few chuckles, the film is practically unsalvageable. From an uninteresting, generic premise that adds no substance whatsoever, a very inconsistent tone that doesn't belong in a very juvenile story, humour that consists of cringe moments and pop culture references, forgettable score by Dominic Lewis, Segal's poor direction in the majority of locations that makes it feel cheaper than the $14 million dollars it took to make this film, and the action scenes being too little and far-between while also being lazily-crafted and boring. There are just much better and creative spy-comedies to watch such as "Spy", "Johnny English", or even the first "Spy Kids". Don't even bother with this trashy production that attempts to be fun for the whole family. Support "Onward" or "Bloodshot" in the theatres, which are not only better quality, but at least knew what type of film they were going for. "My Spy" is unappealing for adults, teens, elders, and children who know better.

Verdict: 2.5/10. The great cast is wasted on a terrible film. If you like these actors, watch any other film or show they are in. It can't be as bad as this.